CHRIS NEUMER: Did you shoot a lot more?
LAUREN BITTNER: No, every single thing I shot was in.
CHRIS NEUMER: Every single thing, wow.
LAUREN BITTNER: That’s what I’m saying.
CHRIS NEUMER: So they never actually shot a part that explained what happened to you guys?
LAUREN BITTNER: No.
CHRIS NEUMER: That’s why I’m surprised.
LAUREN BITTNER: Yeah. Also, when I spoke to the director afterwards when I went to the Tribeca Film Festival and I saw the screening, I spoke to him and I thanked him for being so generous. And the editor, I talked to him, and to Paul, and said, "Thank you, because everything I did you kept." Granted, some of it didn’t make any sense, but thank you.
CHRIS NEUMER: That’s awesome.
LAUREN BITTNER: And he said, "Thank you for doing it. We sat there day after day wishing you had more."
CHRIS NEUMER: You’re like, well, if you would have told me that then I could’ve stayed a few extra hours.
LAUREN BITTNER: Yeah, "You could’ve called me back; I would’ve done some more work!" But they were great, they were fantastic. They were really generous and let me keep all my work. But yeah, in the future I’d like to have a part that has me more worried about getting the job done.
CHRIS NEUMER: Somehow, it seems like if you were Meryl Streep, or Judi Dench, someone like that, well I’m not saying if you were, but —
LAUREN BITTNER: Like if one were to be.
CHRIS NEUMER: Yes, if one were to be, the colloquial you. It seems like if one were to be Judi Dench, playing a part like you had in this would be a real stretch and a real challenge, because, good lord, everyone knows Jenny McCarthy tried in that bomb that was hers. I think I saw hers and your film back to back; I wanted to jam a fork into my head.
LAUREN BITTNER: Although that Jenny McCarthy, she’s fun to look at. I’m kidding.
CHRIS NEUMER: No, I actually met her and got to do something with her.
LAUREN BITTNER: She’s doing that "Craziest Moments Ever" on VH1 right now. The only time I ever watch TV is at night, and I only put it on for a little bit, and that show is always on. So that’s the impression I have right now.
CHRIS NEUMER: And I was closer to her than I am to you, and she bent over to fix the strap on her shoe, she had these huge, what looked like turquoise things. And we’d been talking for about ten minutes and suddenly she says, "God, can you believe this, look at these shoes!" And I said, "Oh, are they real?" And she said, "No, I had the implants taken out a while ago." I said, "I’m talking about your shoes."
LAUREN BITTNER: No she didn’t, come on.
CHRIS NEUMER: Really, she did.
LAUREN BITTNER: But was she aware of the joke that she was making?
CHRIS NEUMER: It wasn’t a joke.
LAUREN BITTNER: She had no idea at all? Ok.
CHRIS NEUMER: In all fairness to her, I’m sure she’s gotten the question, are they real, a thousand times, and mine was the only one who wasn’t talking about her breasts, but even so.
LAUREN BITTNER: I’ve got you. Well, mine are real.
CHRIS NEUMER: Well, now I’ve got to scratch this question off for later. So you had mentioned a lot of your friends, your agent, is there anything they’ve warned you about doing? Or not doing? Like, don’t do horror, or don’t play a friend?
LAUREN BITTNER: No, god no. Of course, there’s a big difference between agents and friends, my friends and family are like: do everything you can, just be on TV! I remember a couple weeks ago telling my father that there was some sort of soap opera role out now, and one of my best friends who’s also an actress was going in for an audition. I was talking to him over dinner, just telling him what was going on and I said, "You know, I’m not going in for it." And he said, "Well why not? " I said, "I don’t really go in for soaps anymore." And he got so mad at me. He got mad and wouldn’t talk to me.
CHRIS NEUMER: Cute.
LAUREN BITTNER: Yeah, he got really mad and wouldn’t speak to me and my mom looked at me like, god I can’t take this anymore! My mom played the referee between my father and myself. And he was mad at me, because to him that was like, "Well who do you think you are? What do you mean you won’t go in for a soap? But isn’t that a job, and wouldn’t you make money? And wouldn’t that keep you in New York where you could be close to us?" And I said, no, actually this is an LA soap.
CHRIS NEUMER: Are there soaps in New York? Oh yeah, a few.
LAUREN BITTNER: Just a few. But he was sort of mad, and the thing is, I think time passes and he realizes that, you know, there’s a way. He hates when he doesn’t know everything that’s going on, and I’m like, well I don’t know everything about your job. Of course there are things that you just don’t get. But to answer your question, my family and my friends just want me to do everything. My mom’s pretty great at knowing, when I explain to her that I don’t want to do this because of A, B, and C, and she’s like, oh, I can understand that.
CHRIS NEUMER: What are A, B, and C? What’s the most recent thing you’ve turned down?
LAUREN BITTNER: The most recent thing I’ve turned down? Can I be vague?
CHRIS NEUMER: Sure.
LAUREN BITTNER: I mean I’ve passed on a few you know, a quality of things.
CHRIS NEUMER: A few you know? Is that your way of being vague?
LAUREN BITTNER: Well, I’m trying to, just because, you know.
CHRIS NEUMER: Circling around, I see.
LAUREN BITTNER: I love comedy, but I passed on two tests for shows. They were totally respected people, but just because it’s not where I want to go.
CHRIS NEUMER: Not film.
LAUREN BITTNER: No, I like TV, I like comedy; I’d love to be on a series.
CHRIS NEUMER: So it was UPN, I see. All right, I can read between the lines.
LAUREN BITTNER: No, but things like that, it’s not that I’m against it, but there’s just something in me that tells me, I don’t want to do that for the next, whatever years. Like with movies, I’m not going to just do one line in a movie and show my bootie.
CHRIS NEUMER: So, are you against nudity as a whole?
LAUREN BITTNER: No, not as a whole, it depends on who it’s for and what the material is. But right now I don’t think I’m at a place where I’d be comfortable with that, maybe in a couple of years.
CHRIS NEUMER: Professionally, personally or both?
LAUREN BITTNER: Professionally. Personally I’m ok with it if it’s the right thing. Actually that’s not true, I don’t like looking at myself without my clothes on, so why would I expect other people to want to, number one. Number two: professionally I want to do some fun things I’m proud of before I start taking my clothes off.
CHRIS NEUMER: So you have not gone to the Sharon Stone School of Acting?
LAUREN BITTNER: But I’m also not Sharon Stone. If I looked like Sharon Stone —
CHRIS NEUMER: You’d probably be doing the interview naked. So you’d like to be known for some of the quality work that you’ve done first before you start to be known as the girl who took off her towel in Scary Movie 7.
LAUREN BITTNER: Right, absolutely. But, then again, if I got a really funny script and taking my shirt off for two seconds made it really funny, funnier, I’m sure there’s stuff out there.
CHRIS NEUMER: I’m just trying to think of some movie, anywhere, and it becoming funnier when someone takes off their top off. Unless it was Jack Nicholson; even that, with Jack Nicholson taking off his top might be funny.
LAUREN BITTNER: Yeah, I can’t think of one either, I agree with you.
CHRIS NEUMER: Ok. Now what about commercials?
LAUREN BITTNER: Well, right now I’m certainly not at a point where I don’t need money, I need money.
CHRIS NEUMER: Short of contradicting what you were saying earlier about the soap —
LAUREN BITTNER: Oh, but I don’t want to be locked into anything. A commercial will be gone like that. Soaps is the material though, I don’t want to be lying and that, doing bad stuff. But if a really great company wants me to say, buy this product, and I like it. I don’t turn down commercials yet. But I also don’t want to have a movie out in theaters and have a really crappy commercial on cable at night at the same time.
CHRIS NEUMER: Maybe you’ll be in a Huggies commercial, and people will say, "Hey, I want to see The Thing about My Folks.
LAUREN BITTNER: That’s the thing: I don’t want to be in a diaper and a movie at the same time.
