Weekend at Bernie’s Running Commentary

Weekend at Bernies

Weekend at Bernie’s has earned a place in the American cultural lexicon as something of a cult classic.  It is a very poor comedy in all the ways that one might expect a lower-budgeted, late ‘80s comedy to be poor.  […]

by Chris Neumer

Weekend at Bernie’s has earned a place in the American cultural lexicon as something of a cult classic.  It is a very poor comedy in all the ways that one might expect a lower-budgeted, late ‘80s comedy to be poor.  The characters don’t behave in ways that real people ever would, there is almost no logic or rationality at work anywhere and the laws of physics, chemistry, and biology are routinely ignored and pushed aside in order to add more eye-rollingly bad jokes.

What sets Weekend at Bernie’s apart from the mountains of other forgettable comedies of this same time period—Chances Are, K-9, The Dream Team, Who’s Harry Crumb, She-Devil, We’re No Angels, Loverboy, Turner & Hooch, Harlem Nights, and See No Evil, Hear No Evil, to mention but a few other films from 1989—is that it has one of the most unusual and potentially comic premises in ages: two men have to act as though their dead boss is alive and hang out with him/his body in order to survive a long weekend.

And more than anything, it is this concept—turning a dead body into a prop—that makes Weekend at Bernie’s stand out.  While there is a limit to the number of times a living person can get kicked in the groin or run face first into a series of metal channel markers, there is no maximum for a dead body… as the producers of Weekend at Bernie’s can and will attest to.

That said, it seems an extraordinary stretch to suggest that Weekend at Bernie’s comes anywhere close to realizing its potential.  The reason for the film’s complete fizzle out is one of very poor structuring.  The whole of director Ted Ketchoff’s movie should be played at film schools nationwide as an example of precisely what not to do.  The reason for Weekend at Bernie’s to exist is to pair the film’s two leads, Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy, with a dead body that they can then bruise and batter in any number of different ways.  This pairing, however, does not truly begin to take place until minute 67 of this film’s 94 minute running time.  That’s a whopping hour plus of set up that feels out of place and often forced.  The fact that any time at all is spent developing the character of the body, Bernie (Terry Kiser), strikes me as wildly unusual.

Given that Weekend at Bernie’s was originally released 22 years ago, it seems that a remake might soon be in order.  As I thought about this, I found myself strangely captivated by the idea that it shouldn’t be that hard to make a new version of this film that would be considerably better than the original.  Especially given that 1989’s Weekend at Bernie’s featured horrible acting performances, a dead body that spends way too much time alive, an inciting event kicking the plot into high gear that doesn’t take place until the second hour of the movie, and one of cinema’s worst scenes where Silverman and McCarthy start praying that they aren’t killed by a 5-year old boy with a pastel colored water pistol.

However, as I pondered this, I realized that the reason the ’89 version of Weekend at Bernie’s is structured the way it is—in comparison, even Pulp Fiction seems to more closely follow the standard three act script—is because it is damn near impossible to create 70 odd minutes of entertainment surrounding two guys bumping into things with a dead body in tow.  And, in a way, this is the original Weekend at Bernie’s greatest accomplishment.  Inexplicably, Ketchoff managed to create a film with no real conflict and horribly unlikable characters that never was reduced to being a tiresome one-trick pony.  This isn’t to say that the movie is good… but it is worth noting.

If there was anything positive to be taken from my first viewing of this movie in more than 20 years, it was the fact that I finally had a reason to investigate the biological timeline of the human body after it dies.  This, in turn, led to the knowledge that there is something called a death erection that can occur in males.  Sadly this does, in fact, tie in to a plot point in the movie at hand.

And with that, we begin.

:37 Jonathan Silverman seems to be a nerdy Adam Goldberg.  This is weird because I’d argue that Adam Goldberg is a nerdy Adam Goldberg.

:43 How do we know that Andrew McCarthy’s character is the edgier of the two leads?  Because he’s smoking and lives in a building that has graffiti on it.

1:45 As Silverman and McCarthy walk through Central Park, a mugger steps out and demands their money.  McCarthy pushes aside the mugger’s gun and explains that it’s too hot for this kind of behavior.  This would be funny, except for the fact that the timing of the scene is way off.  Either the mugger pulls his piece too early or McCarthy is walking way too slowly because McCarthy has to walk a solid five steps directly at the mugger and, consequently, the gun in order to push the gun away.

2:01 The guys start out walking through midtown Manhattan.  They then cut through Central Park and somehow end up downtown within sight of the (then existent) World Trade Center Towers before arriving at their midtown office.  Normally I’d ask why they didn’t just take the subway, but in this case, the answer is because their office building is only a few blocks from where they started.

3:10 After spending the first three minutes of the film walking to their office—an almost Shaft-like amount of time—Silverman and McCarthy finally arrive and sit down at their desks.  Three seconds later—yes, literally—McCarthy says that they should go to the beach.  He then grabs Silverman’s papers and runs out the door.

3:30 The beach turns out to be a kiddie pool on top of Silverman’s apartment building.

6:19 Apparently in the late eighties it was perfectly acceptable for men to wear suit jackets with matching suit shorts during extreme heat waves.  The only caveat to this was that you had to pull your dress socks up to the knee.

6:22 McCarthy wardrobe is up for the task of out weirding the men in the short suits.  McCarthy’s wearing a pink, brown and lime green plaid shirt with a silver tie.

7:24 Though Silverman and McCarthy both have above-the-title status on this project, Silverman is distinctly the main lead; McCarthy is his sidekick.  This is weird because young, neurotic, wishy-washy men with no self-confidence generally don’t make for good leads.

8:20 A close-up of Silverman makes him look about 14.  I would bet a lot of money that this shot was the first shot of the production.  It had better be.

9:20 McCarthy is still wearing his pink, brown, and lime green plaid shirt and his silver tie.  He has added a yellow, red and, blue plaid sport coat to the mix.  If there is a color that exists in the spectrum, the odds are good McCarthy is wearing it right now.

10:28 Silverman and McCarthy are lunching in midtown.  Given the geographical liberties that the Weekend at Bernie’s production team has been taking, this could mean that they work in Queens or in the outskirts of Philadelphia.

12:31 Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser) looks just like my mechanic.

13:40 Silverman and McCarthy have uncovered a massive embezzlement in their firm.  They have done so by checking the figures on page 28 against the figures on page 41.  This truly was a simpler time.

17:49 The joke turns out to be on the boys though.  Their boss, Bernie, is the one doing the embezzling.  He invites them to his house in the Hamptons for the weekend, ostensibly to congratulate them for finding the massive theft…

18:18 …but really so that he can have his mob friends kill them.

19:09 Bernie isn’t simply a thief, he’s one of the ballsiest/stupid men on the planet.  He is also fooling around with the mob boss’ girlfriend.  Yes, the mob boss named Vito.  While at the dinner table with Vito.

19:20 Ah, the ole double switcheroo!  The joke actually turns out to be on Bernie.  Vito is tiring of Bernie’s antics and tells his hit man to leave Silverman and McCarthy alone and to, instead, take care of Bernie.

22:28 While Bernie is making out with the mob boss’ girlfriend in front of the restaurant where the mob boss is still dining, Silverman is across town on a first date with a girl he’s been eyeing from afar for the better part of the summer, Gwen (Catherine Mary Stewart).  Stewart explains that she’s glad that Silverman asked her out.  She goes on to explain that she’s going back to college the next week and also going out of town for the weekend.  Literally, this is the last day of the summer where she’d be available to go on a date.

27:02 Silverman brings his date back to his apartment.  Check that, Silverman brings his date back to the apartment he shares with his parents… a detail he has rather conveniently left out of the evening’s conversations.  The odds that his dad is going to wander around naked or semi-naked are truly amazing.  I wish I could bet the house on it…

28:07 …And boom!  Dad is in his underwear!  Stewart leaves shortly after Silverman explains that it’s his butler.

31:31 The vibe of the ferry to the Hamptons is supposed to be one of a hot club on the deck of a boat.  The problem is that the extras all seem to be older than 55.

33:11 And Bernie is killed.  Shouldn’t this have happened at minute 18?

33:11 (Again) I do give the hit man credit for supreme bravery though.  When I have to kill someone with poison that I inject into them, I don’t carry the laced syringe around in my pocket… but that’s just me.

34:39 The guys arrive at Bernie’s house.  McCarthy surveys Bernie’s near palatial, custom designed residence that is a mere 100 feet from the ocean and marvels at the fact that it has an in-ground pool.

36:04 Not only do the guys meet a thong-clad blonde named Tawny, but McCarthy manages to introduce himself to her as “Horny”.  Because this happens.

36:33 Though neither Silverman nor McCarthy has yet seen Bernie, this doesn’t stop them from entering his house or McCarthy from rifling through Bernie’s refrigerator and then drinking his champagne.  Because this happens.

38:16 The boys find Bernie’s body in a chair and can’t figure out that he’s dead.  Because this happens.

39:35 Now they’ve figured it out… and they don’t know what to do about it.

40:32 Silverman wants to call the police, but chickens out.  He’s worried that the police will think that he and McCarthy had something to do with Bernie’s death.  This is a line of thinking that I have never been able to comprehend.  The police do not automatically arrest (or suspect) the person who finds a dead body with the crime.  As a matter of fact, I don’t recall ever seeing one episode of Law & Order where the person who found a body ever had anything to do with the actual murder.

However, in the case of Bernie, there is no way for Silverman or McCarthy to know that Bernie didn’t simply die of natural causes; he was close to 50, partied hard, worked a stressful job and smoked a lot.  If it were me who discovered Bernie’s body, I would instantly assume that he died of a heart attack.

42:01 As the boys are trying to plan out their next move—the move that doesn’t consist of calling the police—a house party erupts out of nowhere in Bernie’s living room.  It’s almost like Rodney Dangerfield showed up and yelled, “It’s time to party!”  The party goers are a parody of what you’d expect to see in dyed-in-the-wool Los Angelians, not people in the Hamptons.  Interestingly, no one—and I mean no one—has any clue that Bernie is dead, despite the fact that they are all talking to him and touching him.

44:52 Silverman has finally decided that they have to call the police to report Bernie’s death.  McCarthy is making a hard case for waiting until Monday to do so so that they can enjoy the long weekend.  Silverman is having none of it.  They have to call the police.  It’s the only correct decision to make.  They shouldn’t have waited this long to do so.  Then he sees Gwen (Stewart) at the party and changes his tune.

46:34 Silverman’s decision to continue pursuing Stewart is intriguing.  Partially because she got angry and left him on their first date four days earlier and partially because she’s going back to college in two days.

49:36 For a movie premise, I have to admit this one really isn’t bad.  It’s not executed well, but it’s pretty solid, all things considered.

52:30 Stewart has forgiven Silverman and agrees to go for a walk on the beach with him.  They end up having a fun and romantic time together.  What’s most unusual about this whole situation is that Silverman refers to this spontaneous walk they’re taking as ‘a date’.

54:12 As Silverman and Stewart sit together on the beach, they kiss.  About three nanoseconds after their lips first touch, Silverman begins confessing his love for Stewart to her.  Naturally, she eats this up and genuinely enjoys hearing about it.  Because this happens.

54:18 The moment is ruined for Silverman when Bernie’s body washes up next to the pair.  Stewart remains blissfully unaware of Bernie’s presence.

56:16 Silverman and McCarthy have gotten Bernie’s body back to his house without any additional problems and have dumped him in his bedroom for the time being.  This will be fine providing that no one shows up who has any reason to want Bernie in the bedroom.  But I can’t see that happening.

56:26 The mob boss’s girlfriend shows up and stomps upstairs to see Bernie.

57:46 Silverman and McCarthy are rather excited about this development.  “She finds the body and calls the police!” Silverman exclaims animatedly.  “This is good!”

58:34 There is a problem with Silverman’s logic though: this is a late ‘80s comedy.  Thus, instead of finding the body and calling the police, the mob boss’s girlfriend has sex with the corpse.  In her defense, she was really drunk.

1:00:02 This moment stands out from all other in the movie.  Silverman and McCarthy are watching in awe as the mob boss’s girlfriend walk down the stairs with a very satisfied look on her face.  McCarthy looks at Silverman and says softly, “I get yelled at when I just lie there.”

It’s a great line with a wonderful delivery.  The problem is that it’s the only line in the film that is delivered with any kind of subtlety and nuance.  McCarthy isn’t mugging for the camera, he’s not acting over-the-top, nor is he yelling his lines.  If you want to know what Weekend at Bernie’s could have been, fast-forward to this moment and watch this line.  For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, “it might have been a much better movie”.  (With apologies to John Greenleaf Whittier).

1:00:19 It’s interesting to me that my favorite two moments of the movie take place within 17 seconds of each other.  As Silverman falls into a deep sleep on the couch, a warm synth music starts playing.  It’s so pleasant, soft and comforting, it stands out in stark contract to the rest of the score and, hell, everything else associated with this project.

1:01:35 When Silverman wakes up the next morning, he finds McCarthy poolside with Bernie and the two are playing Monopoly.  McCarthy has rigged Bernie’s arm up to a pulley proving that the man is still nothing if not malleable.

At first I thought this was ridiculous.  I originally wrote in my notes that Bernie must have had rigor mortis the last night so that the mob boss’s girlfriend could have had sex with him.  Since rigor mortis does not show up and then leave at random intervals when it’s convenient for comedy, I began to look into the biology of this.  Doing so, I learned that there was a condition known as ‘angel lust’ that might explain away this seeming contradiction.  Emphasis on ‘might’. The concept of angel lust is very understandable when you call it by one of its other names: the death erection.

In particularly sudden and violent deaths—death by hanging was frequently mentioned in conjunction with angel lust—the impact on the spinal cord will cause the victim to have a priapism in his penis.  (At death, there is also a weakening of the muscle at the base of the penis which normally restrict the flow of blood in; do not confuse a death erection with dying face down and having one’s blood pool in one’s penis).  And death by poisoning is particularly sudden and violent, at least according to wikipedia.

So the presence of angel lust would make the timeline of these acts plausible… insomuch as we’re talking about how a dead body can still be loose despite the fact that someone had sex with it the night before.

There is, however, a three fold of issues with this scenario: 1) there is absolutely no consensus on how long a death erection lasts; Bernie’s would have had to have one for more than 12 hours to have sex with his girlfriend which seems, I don’t know, long.  2) Bernie never appears to have an erection at any other point in time in the movie. Angel lust strikes at the instant of death and doesn’t come and go (if you’ll pardon the pun); once present, the death erection lasts until, well, it doesn’t.  Then it’s gone forever. And 3) rigor mortis has to set in at sometime.  This generally is regarded as happening after about 4-5 hours of death.

In the end, it was apparently just shoddy filmmaking that allowed for these two situations to happen.  Who would have guessed?

1:03:23 McCarthy is now wearing Bernie’s jewelry.  Silverman is more upset at the fact that McCarthy let him sleep in until 11:30AM.

1:07:35 Finally, the inciting event.  Silverman and McCarthy hear the accidentally recorded conversation between Bernie and the hit man where Bernie asks to have the two of them killed, but not while he’s around.  Thus, they decide to basically glue themselves to Bernie’s corpse.

1:10:09 Now the guys call the police.  And the do so by dialing the operator and asking for the police.

1:12:15 The guys hear a couple of short, staccato pops.  They automatically assume it’s the hit man coming to kill them.  Silverman makes eye contact with McCarthy and says, “So long, Larry, it’s been fun… but not really.”

For starters, as final words go, these are terrible.  More importantly, rather than running away, hiding from or even attempting to incapacitate the hit man, Silverman and McCarthy say their goodbyes and wait for the end.

1:12:36 Turns out the pops came from the toy pistol of a 5-year old boy who earlier buried Bernie in the sand.  Ha.  Ha.

1:15:18  Scenes like this really bother me.  Even in the context of a movie as bad as Weekend at Bernie’s.

The guys are driving a golf cart to the ferry landing with Bernie situation between them.  When they get to their destination, both Silverman and McCarthy leap out of the cart and start running towards the ferry… leaving Bernie to slump over, alone, in the golf cart.

What this means is that somewhere between Bernie’s house and the ferry landing, the guys forgot that there was a dead body between them.  And I have a lot of trouble buying this.

1:17:40 The guys have tied their shoelaces to Bernie’s shoelaces and have put his arms around their shoulders so that they can walk/run with him and it looks like he is moving of his own accord.  More needs to be made of how incredibly difficult it must have been to do this.  It’s like the, uh, four-legged race.  Supreme kudos go out to Silverman, McCarthy and Kiser for doing this and not always falling down.

1:21:09 Having missed the ferry, the guys have decided to borrow Bernie’s boat to get back to the city.  McCarthy is attempting to start the boat by doing something other than turning the key.  When he finally succeeds in getting the engine started, it becomes apparent that Silverman has failed to untie the ropes that are holding the boat to the dock… which is weird because he was shown earlier, um, untying the ropes that are holding the boat to the dock.

1:21:25 The boat is now accelerating forward and is doing so without McCarthy touching the throttle.  This is pretty damn impressive no matter how you look at it.

1:22:22 McCarthy and Silverman are surprised to learn that boats don’t have brakes.  Thus, in order to stop their “runaway” speedboat, rather than simply lay off the throttle,* McCarthy grabs the boats anchor and heaves it over the side as they speed through the marina.  Naturally, the anchor lands on another boat’s deck and breaks a lot of glassware there.

* This is not on McCarthy though.  Since the boat got to top speed without the use of the throttle, it’s not entirely reasonable to suggest that he lay off it.

1:25:36 Silverman has taken over driving duties… just in time to run out of gas.  The boys use Bernie’s body as a floatation device and paddle back to shore.

1:26:42 1989 was a different time.  Silverman’s dream girl is walking on the beach, ostensibly looking sexy and divine… wearing a one-piece bathing suit.

1:28:13 McCarthy summarizes the last, uh, 1:28:13 of the movie while dragging Bernie’s body down a flight of stairs by the feet.  “Bernie’s dead and someone’s trying to kill us.”

1:29:12 The hit man returns for a fourth attempt to ‘kill’ Bernie.  He shoots Bernie’s corpse in full view of Silverman, McCarthy and Stewart.

1:29:23 The hit man turns the gun on the trio and, keeping with tradition, the three grimace and wait to be shot.  Fortunately for them, the hit man is out of bullets.

1:29:59 He does, however, have a second gun that he pulls out of his jacket.  Silverman, McCarthy and Stewart don’t have too much to worry about this though as the hit man is a worse shot than Dwight Howard at the free throw line.  You know something is wrong when Chris Dudley is more accurate than you.

1:30:18 The hit man is out of bullets again.  Why?  Because he used them to shoot Bernie again several times.  Yes, in between the last time I mentioned it and now.

1:32:31 McCarthy ties up the hit man with a phone cord.  The hit man finally falls on top of Bernie, at which point he begins begging Bernie not to hurt him.  In the last 24 hours, this hit man has injected Bernie with poison, strangled him and shot him no less than 10 times.  In spite of this, he is still convinced that Bernie is alive and well and out for some sort of retribution.  This leads nicely to…

1:33:00 …the scene where the hit man is carried away by the authorities in a strait jacket.

1:33:27 Silverman and Stewart are sitting on the beach together and very much in love.  They are discussing their plans… for the rest of the weekend.  Stewart has invited Silverman to come stay at her house.  She then invites McCarthy too.  McCarthy waves her off and explains that he’s just going to hang out at Bernie’s place for the next couple of days.  Somehow, in the context of this movie, this works.