September marks many things in life. It symbolizes the metaphoric end of the summer, the beginning of school, the arrival of fall seasonal allergies and, when the temperature dips below 60, the first truly good sleeping conditions Chicagoans have had in four months. On a personal note, though I am 31 and have been out of college for 10 years now, I still derive a certain pleasure from the knowledge that I can look at the calendar, see September, and know that I am not in school. Unlike a lot of my friends, I do not look at my high school and college years as “the good old days”, nor do I strive to relive those supposed times of glory. Doing so would remove me from the life I am living at present and enjoying immensely.
To an entertainment writer, however, September (and specifically the Tuesday after Labor Day) marks the close of the Summer Movie Season and begins a roughly six week time period that involves the release of films that A) have been sitting on a shelf somewhere for months on end, B) tested really poorly that need to be released at some point in time to fulfill a contractual obligation, C) studios realized wouldn’t make any money if they were released opposite Transformers or Spider-Man 3 or D) generally crappy films involving The Rock, Jennifer Lopez or Milla Jovovich. Say hello to September!
Instead of focusing on the dreadful slate of films that will grace theaters before the Christmas season begins in early November, I have chosen to honor the month of September by looking back at the 2008 Summer Movie Season that was.
Much can be gleaned about the state of Hollywood and the filmic medium by examining a swatch of its release schedule, particularly a swatch of its release schedule during the prime movie-going months when the studios hope to make the lions share of their yearly revenue.
The Summer of 2007 was the summer of the sequel, or more accurately, the three-quel; I don’t think Pat Riley has a trademark on that term yet. This season, Americans were graced with Spider-Man 3, Rush Hour 3, Shrek 3, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Ocean’s 13 and The Bourne Ultimatum as well as sequels Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Mr. Bean’s Holiday, Hostel: Part II, Live Free or Die Hard, 28 Weeks Later, Evan Almighty and The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Somewhat strangely, only The Bourne Ultimatum and 28 Weeks Later stand out amongst the aforementioned films as being unique and entertaining.
While this repetition is good for the studio coffers—sequels to hits are almost always guaranteed to bring in money, which is precisely why so many of them are made—it isn’t as good for audiences or entertainment writers who are trying to bestow awards for best newcomers (one’s choices are Shia LaBeouf (pictured right), Seth Rogen, Shia LaBeouf and possibly Shia LaBeouf) and best concept to a season’s worth of film. Everything that needs to be said about Bruce Willis’ performance in Live Free or Die Hard was written after Die Hard with a Vengeance. Every bit of praise for Johnny Depp’s mincing in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End was written after the original Pirates of the Caribbean. Actors in sequels are (mostly) doing the same things that brought them success the first and second times around.
But studio executives don’t worry about elements like this. They worry about one thing: their company’s bottom line. And here almost everyone who doesn’t work for Universal or Paramount is incredibly happy. For the first time in history, Hollywood’s summer releases cracked the $4 billion mark in ticket sales.
What this means is that next summer—a summer that doesn’t seem to have anywhere near the volume of sequels on tap that 2007 did—Americans will have to suffer through a host of reports about how ticket sales are down compared to last year and whether this is a sign that (illegal downloading, camcording of movies, bad quality of the releases, fill in the blank) is finally going to break the back of Hollywood. I will then go hoarse shouting at people that it’s almost impossible to follow a record-breaking financial season with another record-breaking financial season and that they should know better than to subscribe to the sky-is-falling stories being reported by entertainment journalists other than me. (It should be noted that these story lines are already making headlines with writers wondering what it means that the Summer of 2008’s box office is expected to slump).
Interestingly, the Summer of 2007 marked one of the first summers in recent memory that didn’t have a little-indie-film-that-could barreling along at the box office. From My Big Fat Greek Wedding to Waking Ned Devine to last year’s Little Miss Sunshine, the summer season almost always has a breakout independent film that is over praised and over hyped by the media whose very mention of begins to bother me by late July or early August. Not so this year. And I am quite appreciative of that fact.
Now one word of clarification and onto the few awards that I can bestow.
CLARIFICATION: I have removed Evan Almighty from all lists. It would have been the worst movie, the biggest flop and its principals would have made up the entirety of my list of summer losers. Evan Almighty is a bomb that should be compared to Ishtar and Cutthroat Island on a historical scale, it’s just not fair to keep reiterating this over and over here. So, I have anointed it the official worst of everything in the summer and am moving forward.
Best Movie: Traitor
Though I saw a large number of movies this summer, there wasn’t one that I felt comfortable calling a ‘best movie’ of the summer.* In the interest of full disclosure, I will point out that I did not see Iron Man, nor did I see Mamma Mia, two films that earned considerable praise from critics and viewers alike. Strangely, I didn’t see anything released over the summer that I would have graded higher than a C (the latter grade goes to The Dark Knight). I did see two movies during the summer that were exceptional; The Lucky Ones and Towelhead, but they open in September and October respectively. So I turn this section over to Stumped’s online editor, Chris DeSalvo:
There is something pleasantly subtle about Don Cheadle's onscreen presence that sits well with moviegoers. As the best part of this summer’s best film (Traitor), Cheadle portrays the pawn and the bishop amidst a whirlwind of diplomatic deceit, and global foul play. This is a movie that could have easily gotten preachy, but wisely avoided this. Each scene is essential. Many are gripping, leaving you daring yourself to look away despite the fear of what you may soon realize. Despite a slew of criticism bashing the film for not fully revealing our terrorist enemies, what we do see of the villains humanizes their story without blindly coloring them in black and white. That being said, Mr. Cheadle's performance is what makes Traitor this summer's best film. He is the glue that holds together the heroes and their antagonists. It's his ability to walk the blurry line between good and evil so convincingly it’s conclusion leaves you wondering whose side he's on without growing impatient for an answer. * This statement is true only because I didn’t see Kabluey until well after I’d written this sentence. Otherwise, Kabluey would be my choice.
Worst Movie: Pineapple Express
I went to see Pineapple Express for one reason and one reason alone: to kill time. I had nothing to do for three hours before my dinner date, was bored and decided to go see this film to bridge the gap. I had no expectations going in to the showing; I’d chosen to see Pineapple Express because it was the only film that started near 4:00. The film was so bad, I ended up walking out of the theater after about 45 minutes in favor of doing nothing.
Subconsciously, the implication of this maneuver is startling: I had chosen to sit in my car starring out the window at a parking lot over watching Pineapple Express. Now that’s bad.
Movie that Got Me the Angriest:The Dark Knight
Here’s the e-mail I sent to a friend soon after I saw The Dark Knight:
Batman. What a whiny little bitch. Oh, boo hoo, you have to fight crime! Here's the deal, if you don't want to fight crime... stop. If you do want to fight crime, then shut the fuck up and stop bitching. I've never seen a more miserable superhero. I mean the guy has billions of dollars, can nail any chick he wants to, has the girl he wants and can kick the ever loving crap out of any seven guys at the same time, and yet he’s perpetually unhappy.
Cry me a river.
But really, it was the misery. I don't think Christian Bale ever cracked a smile in that movie. He received no joy or satisfaction whatsoever from being Batman and, as a result, I received no joy or satisfaction whatsoever from watching Batman. Kind of funny how it works like that.
Best Acting Performance: Lisa Kudrow in Kabluey
It’s an annual ritual for me; February rolls around, I start hearing people talking about how amazing fill-in-the-blank’s performance in whatever biopic they’re starring in and I get really annoyed. I mention five other acting performances from the year that should be renowned for their supremely competent portrayals and am met with a host of blank faces. Then I get more annoyed.
Acting is not imitation. Acting is not simply good when an audience member can recognize speech patterns or individual tics that they’ve seen before on someone on The Tonight Show. Acting is an art form where actors believably deliver emotions on cue while hitting their marks and making sure they’re not standing in front of their co-stars. And this is amazingly hard to do… particularly when complex, level 2 emotions are involved (“Your character is really depressed at heart, but she camouflages this by outwardly appearing cold and distant. In this scene, we want a little bit of her sadness to come through while she’s trying to hold firm.”) Lisa Kudrow’s performance in director Scott Prendergast’s film Kabluey is a perfect example of genuinely great, organic acting.
The highlight of the Kudrow’s portrayal is an extended steadi-cam shot where she follows the above direction. She walks out of a hotel room with a bitchy veneer and, over the course of the uncut minute long shot, completely loses it… while trying desperately to avoid completely losing it. Kudrow could be one of the most underrated actors in America today. You heard it here first.
Best Non-Acting Performance: Seth Rogen in everything Seth Rogen was in
In real life Seth Rogen is a somewhat hedonistic guy who likes (loves) porn, smoking weed and playing video games with his friends Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel and Paul Rudd. On screen, Rogen plays a somewhat hedonistic guy who likes (loves) porn, smoking weed and playing video games with his friends who are played by Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel and Paul Rudd.
As if I haven’t had enough of Rogen already, now I learn that his on-screen and off-screen persona are almost identical. I need a de-Rogenization, stat.
Worst On-Screen Decision: Carrie Marries Big in Sex and the City
How bad of a decision was this? I wrote an entire column on it. This was the worst relationship decision made by a woman since Michelle Pfeiffer decided to stay with Bruce Willis in The Story of Us because, as she rationalized, they’d already been together for a long time.
Worse yet? Carrie’s friends don’t seem to have a problem with it either.
Worst Off-Screen Decision: Patrick Dempsey Makes Made of Honor
Second chances are a funny thing. Funny because they generally display why the person didn’t get things right the first time. In the late eighties and early nineties, Patrick Dempsey was an on-the-rise young actor. Along with Christian Slater, Richard Grieco, Johnny Depp, Billy Baldwin, Balthazar Getty, Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez (basically the casts of Young Guns and Mobsters), Dempsey was one of the next-generation of actors in Hollywood. After several years without starring in anything that could even resemble a hit, Dempsey began acting in made-for-TV movies, guest starring on TV shows and playing the part of the good guy that the female lead inexplicably shouldn’t be with. Then he hit paydirt by playing the lead on ABC’s enormous hit, Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s Anatomy is one of the biggest prime-time network hits in years and Dempsey’s star has received a major boost because of it. In spite of this enormous and rather unexpected bump in fame, Dempsey’s silver screen choices have remained mired in B-list choices.
He played the good guy that Hilary Swank shouldn’t have been with in Freedom Writers, the romantic lead in Disney’s Enchanted and, most recently, as the lead in the gender-reversed remake of My Best Friend’s Wedding, Made of Honor.
If Dempsey is actually interested in being a movie star, something that is not a foregone conclusion if his actual choice of projects is investigated, he’s got to do something (anything) to break out from his ‘nice guy’ persona. Isn’t there some cop movie out there with a 42-year old racist detective with a couple of skeletons in his closet that hasn’t been cast yet?
Please?
Best Poster: The Dark Knight
I’m not sure why or how Batman decided to set fire to eight floors of a building to get his logo out there—this is what marketing professionals call ‘branding’—but for once this doesn’t matter. The poster looks damn cool.
Worst Poster Making Decision:Sex and the City
There are four words in the title and four lead actresses, yet no one thought to have the words and actresses on four separate posters. Are you telling me that it wouldn’t have been funny and somewhat interesting to have a ‘THE’ poster out there with Kristin Davis on it?
Think about it, each actress would get her own poster—Kim Cattrall would have loved this—and there’d be four times the collectibles out there.
Poster I'd Like to Have Seen: Sex and the City
In addition to having the four different posters with one word on each, I’d love to have seen something artistic advertising the movie. Everyone knew when it was coming out and who was in it, would it have killed someone at New Line to create something like this?
Worst Poster: Meet Dave
I saw the Meet Dave poster on the side of a bus stop and wondered whether a four year old had won some sort of contest to design it. When I went to the impawards.com page for Meet Dave, I was met with another surprise: the company responsible for this poster is not taking credit for it. This means one of two things: 1) It’s the poster equivalent of an Alan Smithe project or 2) Whoever created this poster doesn’t work for an actually graphic design company. Seriously, I could have been drunk and created this poster in five minutes in Photoshop using only my feet. This poster is so bad that it’s somewhat shocking that the Helvetica font isn’t used somewhere on it.
Biggest Bomb Other than Speed Racer, and Meet Dave: The Love Guru
The Love Guru not only bombed at the box office, but also managed to piss off an entire religious group of people who define themselves as being tolerant of the beliefs of everyone. Now that’s a feat.
The total theatrical performance domestically and worldwide for The Love Guru was $38 million. Meet Dave did $36 million overseas alone.
The Worst Media Stories of the Summer:
• How GTA IV’s release three days before Iron Man opened would impact Iron Man’s box office take.
• Heath Ledger is, apparently, dead and in some movie that came out in July, I don’t have the exact details.
• Shia LaBeouf is primed to be the next Indiana Jones. Frankly this was old last summer.
• Anything involving how this year’s summer box office take compared to any other summer’s box office take.
Best Use of Berwyn, Illinois in a Movie: Wanted
When I first moved out of my parents house, I moved into an apartment on the top story of an old Victorian house in the historic district of Berwyn, Illinois. Berwyn had/has an interesting reputation in the Chicagoland area away from which it is slowly, slowly inching. That of a racist town filled with bigoted senior citizens.
Trying to find some ammunition to back up my claim, I checked the city of Berwyn page on topix.com and found that the second most popular article on the site was one about the Ku Klux Klan. I also found this link to a racial beating following a huge KKK meeting in Berwyn in 2003. I think those two bits of information should do nicely for my purposes.
Watching Wanted, I was first surprised at the fact that the opening scene takes place at my brother’s office building and then I was surprised at the fact that there the filmmakers wanted me to believe that there is, apparently, a gun that can accurately shoot from several miles away and then I was surprised at the fact that the shoot out in the grocery store took place in my former local grocery store, The Egg Store.
The Wanted production team covered up The Egg Store’s interior very well—I thought it was a run-of-the-mill convenience store until I saw a sign mentioning The Egg Store. This is no small feat either--camouflaging a grocery store on-screen so that its own patrons don’t recognize it--but such is the way when you don't want anyone to know that your glamorous, star-studded summer action flick utilized a location in, gulp, Berwyn.
And as soon as the scene inside The Egg Store ended, the characters pulled out of the parking lot and turned right onto the Loop’s famed Wacker Drive, some 12 miles away. Normally I’d criticize the horrible example of cinematic geography here, but won’t in this instance because of the many, many times that I aspired to do just that: travel at the speed of light to get out of Berwyn. Frankly, it’s the only way to do so.
The “He Does It Again” Award: Kevin Costner, Swing Vote
Last year, Kevin Costner starred in a movie that came and went with the speed and precision that Angelina Jolie and James Macavoy used to get out of Berwyn, Mr. Brooks. This year, Costner starred in the much hyped, election comedy, Swing Vote. Sometime in mid-August I looked up Swing Vote’s release date to see when it was coming out and learned that it had already opened some two weeks earlier. This is what happens when your opening week box office is a hair over $6 million. Swing Vote stayed in theaters for two weeks and then left with such alarming quickness that the MPAA is currently testing it for performance enhancing drugs.
The “They Still Look Like Legos to Me” Award:Star Wars: The Clone Wars
I don’t know what to say, they still look like legos to me.
The Movie I Completely Forgot I saw: Get Smart
I may have forgotten that I saw this while actually walking out of the theater. Two weeks after I saw Get Smart, I not only forgot that I’d seen it, but when I remembered I’d forgotten who the bad guy was.
The Movie I Completely Forgot Came Out: Swing Vote
If it weren’t for that abomination of a poster, this movie would have slipped through the cracks of the Summer ’08 article.
Most Abba-rific: Get Smart
Ha! Trick category. As true ABBA fans will recognize, Mamma Mia! Was a Benny Anderson and Bjorn Ulvaeus thing, not an official ABBA thing. The only movie this summer that utilized an actual ABBA song was the otherwise forgettable Get Smart. Take a chance, indeed.
The Movie I Probably Would Have Aeen, But Didn't Know About: Beer for my Horses
Yes, this is written by and stars Toby Keith and is adapted from a song of his of the same name, but I still would have seen it. The entertainment value of a train-wreck like this would have been unprecedented. How Larry the Cable Guy wasn’t somehow involved is completely beyond me.
Best Title: (tie) The Wackness, Midnight Meat Train
These are 100% self-explanatory.
Honorable Mention Worst Titles of the Summer: CSNY: Déjà vu, and Mere Baap Pahle Aap
CSNY: Déjà vu: This is a documentary about Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’s “Freedom of Speech” tour. This was a surprise to a lot of people—especially me. The first twenty times I saw the CSNY title, my brain automatically added an ‘I’ to the mix to create CSINY: Déjà vu. Then I started wondering why Jerry Bruckheimer was making a movie about CSI: New York.
This was an interesting position to be in because, when you think about it, if you’re looking for the exact cinematic opposite of a CSI:NY movie, it’d be CSNY.
Mere Baap Pehle Aap: Not only is this one of the worst titles of the summer, it also earns the designation of the title I’d most want to hear former Bears and Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt say out loud. Mere Baap Pehle Aap is bad—and comically so—but it has an excuse: it’s foreign. For all I know, this translates to “Iron Man” in Hindi.
Worst Title: Cthulhu
I know what you’re thinking: “On the heels of Mere Baap Pehle Aap, why don’t you just leave off the foreign films? Yes, we get it, other languages are sometimes comical to English speakers, just as English might be funny sounding to foreigners. Give it a break.” And I hear you. The reason that Cthulhu nabs the worst title of the summer is because it’s an AMERICAN film. How American, you ask? Tori Spelling’s in it. The lead character is named “Russ”.
Worse yet, Cthulhu isn’t an acronym either. Also, how the hell do you pronounce the C-T-H combo? Cut-huh? Kit-ha? No matter how you look at this, it’s wrong. No one should have to walk up to the box office window and say, “I’d like two tickets for… uh… that,” and then point at the movie poster.
The "They Still Look Like Legos to Me Award: Star Wars: The Clone Wars
I don’t know what to say, they still look like legos to me.
