If you give my daughter an alcoholic beverage or a joint, I will hunt you down and neuter you.

Matt Travis hated to swim more than anyone I knew hated to do whatever they hated to do.

I can't listen to that much Wagner, ya know? I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don't tell 'em you're Jewish, okay?

Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo

Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total fuckhead.

I believe you have an absolutely breathtaking heiney. I would like to become friends with it.

There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.

“I just couldn't figure legal ramifications of bringing you back from the dead. .”

“She hasn't answered your calls... She didn't reply to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her.”

—Vince Vaughn waxes philosophically about his friend’s dating situation in The Wedding Crashers.

“What was the point of all those push-ups if you can’t even lift a bloody log?”

—Michael Caine delves into the core of body-building after spying Christian Bale trapped under a burning piece of wood in Batman Begins.

“You’re the new me. No. You know what? I’m the new me.”

—Clark Gregg demonstrates his lack of pronoun comprehension in In Good Company.

“Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.“

—John Goodman delivers a diatribe against nihilism in The Big Lebowski. This wasn’t on AFIs list either.

“When it comes to reassuring a traumatized 19-year-old, I’m about as expert as a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a pipe wrench.“

—Bruce Willis has a way with metaphor in Sin City.

“These were the best years of our life. At least that’s what they told us. Personally, I hated high school. I hated all of you and I hope you all rot in hell.”—the conclusion of the best validictorian speech ever in Imaginary Heroes.

“Why aren’t you scared?! You were nearly eaten by a tree!”—Matt Damon ponders the nature of things in The Brother’s Grimm

What was the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements. One - guns down. Two - come on out.

And it has a town center. That's a place where people can gather. --a publicist in The Corporation

Hey, Porky Pig, I hope someone molests you.

“In this country, it’s illegal to run over children.”

I believe you have an absolutely breathtaking heiney. I would like to become friends with it.