8:03 Wall•E is actually presenting the other films in the category that his is nominated in. This does not bode well for Bolt or Kung Fu Panda.

8:05 Wall•E wins Best Animated Picture and Black is ecstatic. Aniston has to pull him off camera. Twice. They really ought to just let Black host the event.

8:08 Best Animated Short Nominee Lavatory: A Love Story looks like it was drawn by an eighth grader. It’s possible that I actually drew it while in eighth grade.

8:08 (again) La Maison en Petit Cubes wins. Accepting the award is Kunio Kato, an Asian guy. This was not expected. His speech is officially awesome though. He has an incredibly thick accent and with little ado, the experience began soon after Kato was handed his Oscar: “So heavy. Thank you so very much. Thank you my supporter. Thank you all my stuff. Thank you my pencil. Thank you Academy. Thank you animation. Thank you, my company, Robot. Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto. Thank you very much. Thank you.”

Really, truly, this man thanked his pencil and “all his stuff”.

UPDATE: According to several sources, Kato did not in fact thank his ‘stuff’ and his ‘pencil’, he actually thanked his ‘staff’ and his ‘producer’. This does make more sense, even if it does diminish the awesomeness surrounding his speech.

UPDATE 2: After watching Kato's acceptance speech at least five times, I will concede that he does thank his ‘staff’, but I will not concede the pencil/producer issue. Kato sounds like he does thank his pencil. The man has a thick accent, but he can pronounce ‘D’s, as evidenced by his nailing of the word ‘Academy’. One cannot attempt to say producer and come up with something that sounds like pencil. And, lest we forget, this was for Best Animated Short.

8:14 The entire set has been changed for the Art Direction and Costume Design categories. It now looks like the inside of a Chili’s.

8:16 The Benjamin Button team wins for Best Art Direction. Donald Graham Burt is speaking and announces that he is going to repeat comments that he made at previous award shows. This is not exactly the way you want to make your speech. You didn’t hear Dustin Lance Black or Kunio Kato doing this.

8:18 Brian announces that this is the poorest job of showcasing the Oscars ever. We don’t put much stock in his comments because he said the same thing last year. Thus far, the show seems to be much better than the tepid affair in 2008.

8:19 That’s the Oscar winning The Duchess to you.

8:20 During his speech, the winner of the Best Costume Design, Michael O’Connor, comes across as the biggest prick of the evening. Not only does he point out that the music that played as he came onto stage was not the music from The Duchess, but it seems like his overall demeanor falls somewhere between ‘surly’ and ‘pissed off’. This is one man you do not want drunk.

In the middle of O’Connor’s speech, Brian states that the audience should be allowed to boo at people they don’t like.

8:22 Greg Cannom wins Best Makeup for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. He mentions that he should be sharing the award with Colleen Callaghan and literally one person in the audience claps. He is also the recipient of the "Oscar Winner I'd Least Like to Hang Out With" award. Why? No reason.

8:24 During the montage dedicated to Romance, there is a scene with one person physically beating another and Kate Winslet telling Leonardo DiCaprio that “I hate you!” Yes…

8:27 The conversation turns to Oscars we’d like to see. I’ve been suggesting an Oscar for playing a ‘normal’ person for some years, but know that won’t be happening. Brian suggests having a Best Trailer category. It’s not a far-fetched idea. It would also be the only way Hancock could win an Oscar.

8:30 Ben Stiller and Natalie Portman are presenting the next award. Stiller is channeling Joaquin Phoenix. It’s funny, but when I learn that this skit was done the night before at the Independent Spirit Awards, it becomes a little less funny. Watching Stiller wander around on stage is funny though.

8:33 Anthony Dod Mantle wins Best Cinematographer for Slumdog Millionaire. I feel certain that he is the only person named ‘Dod’ who has won an Academy Award. Mantle starts out by talking to Portman and Stiller. He trails off and starts thanking people. “Did that makes sense?” I ask. “No,” Pete says.

8:33 (again) Mantle also earns the “I’m Going to Do Exactly What I Said I Wasn’t Going to Do” Award of the evening. Mantle says, “I could thank thousands of people. I can’t do it. I, of course, have to thank the Academy…” The Academy, in case you didn’t know, is made up of thousands of people. When Mantle walks off stage, it becomes apparent that he is wearing white shoes (with his black tux). “Those may be Crocs,” I say slowly. No one disagrees.

8:40 During the ode to comedy, Seth Rogen and James Franco reprise their roles from Pineapple Express in order to deliver laughs to the audience. These laughs come while they are watching… The Reader. This is stupid, yes, but insanely funny. Watching Franco crack up while horrifically depressing things are taking place on screen is one of the night’s more simple pleasures. It brings to mind my old idea about outtakes from Schindler’s List. Ah…

8:44 Rogen and Franco walk out onto stage with… Janusz Kaminski. How does this work? Has there ever been a more original and unique trio? How do I know how to spell Janusz Kaminski without looking it up? Kaminski notes that he is the first cinematographer to have presented an award and tells recent winner Anthony Dod Mantle to “suck on that”. This is quite a brisk and welcome change of pace.

8:45 “The Oscar goes to Spielzeugland!” Or that’s what James Franco should say.

What actually comes out is, “The Oscar goes to Spiegelsland.” Rogen covers his face laughing. This is as close to having a stoner host the Academy Awards as there will ever be. Spielzeugland’s winner Jochen Alexander Freydank doesn’t look too pleased.

Freydank then surprises everyone watching by announcing that he spent four years working on this 14 minute movie. Something is wrong with this. He then speaks the truth by stating, “I hope this bald head here is going to help all of us in our future careers.” We think he’s talking about the Oscar.

8:51 Alicia Keys makes her way on stage to perform a song montage with Hugh Jackman. She’s in a red-sequined bathing suit like thing. After a minute, Pete says, “I think that’s Beyonce.". “I think Beyonce is hotter,” Brian says.

“Is it possible that three well-educated men in their early thirties really cannot tell the difference between Alicia Keys and Beyonce?” I ask. The answer, at least for 90 seconds, is yes.

UPDATE: While googling images of Alicia Keys and Beyonce to use for this comparison, I felt a little better about confusing the two when the first two images that popped up under the search "Alicia Keys Oscar" were of Beyonce. See for yourself.

8:55 Now the question, again, becomes: What is Alicia Keys doing at the Oscars?

9:01 Cuba Gooding Jr. is one of the presenters for the Best Supporting Actor award. What!!??!! I’m not sure where he can find time in his very busy schedule of making really horrible movies to do this, but he’s somehow managed.

How far has Gooding Jr. sunk? I guarantee you that right now in Iowa someone is saying, “Hey, that’s the guy from the Hanes commercial.”

9:02 “Wait, what award did Ben Kingsley win?” Pete asks. I point out that the man on screen isn’t Kingsley but rather Alan Arkin. It’s a pretty embarrassing eleven minutes, all things considered.

9:04 Gooding Jr. is channeling Chris Tucker in his speech… and none too well either.

9:06 The Best Supporting Actor award goes to Heath Ledger. Thank God I was sitting down. “Is the baby going to give a speech?” Brian questions, having heard that the Oscar would go to Ledger’s three year old daughter, Matilda.

Ledger’s family takes the stage and this is truly historic. Three people who haven’t ever acted are all going to give acceptance speeches during the Best Supporting Actor award presentation. And two of them are female!

“They can’t play music over these people,” Brian sighs. “We’re at their mercy.”

9:11 Bill Maher steps onto stage to present the award for Best Documentary. “What’s he doing here?” Brian asks. “Booooo!” What Maher is doing there, apparently, is wearing a rubber tuxedo. You know it’s a questionable fashion choice when someone says, “I hope that’s pleather.”

9:14 Man on Wire wins Best Documentary. Someone runs onto stage wearing a leather suit that puts Maher’s to shame. After a few seconds, we realize that this is the man who was on wire. The man then balances the Oscar on his chin and does a magic act. As energetic as the guy is, I don’t think I could hang around him for very long without feeling extremely stressed out.

9:15 After Man on Wire’s producers have left the stage, Maher says, “They didn’t deserve to win for that.” No one is quite sure what the hell he is talking about. His bit is not going over well.

9:22 Brian asks why no Scientologists are there. “They must not have liked the jokes,” he says. Apropos of nothing, Brian then asks why Will Smith isn’t there.

9:24 As if on cue, Will Smith walks onto stage to present several awards.

9:30 Slumdog Millionaire wins for Best Sound Mixing. Resul Pookutty seems like the shortest winner of the evening.

9:39 Eddie Murphy begins presenting the year’s honorary Oscar to Jerry Lewis. I am shocked. Murphy literally walked out of the Oscars when he lost the Best Supporting Actor award to Alan Arkin two years ago and now he’s back? How does this work?

9:50 “Man, this is the dead part of the show,” Pete groans. He’s very, very right.

9:51 I wonder whether anyone ever pitched a marketing campaign for Milk that revolved around the phrase, “It does a body good.”

9:51 (again) I’m a big fan of motion picture scores. I find it kind of unusual that the (supposed) best scores of the year seem to have all come from movies released during the last six weeks of the year. I am hoping like hell that neither James Newton Howard nor Thomas Newman win. If either man does, I won’t have a chance of ever interviewing them. Fortunately for me, A.R. Rahman wins for Slumdog Millionaire.

9:54 The presenter of the music award says, “If the score is the narrative, the song is the punctuation.” Let’s go back to that ‘if’.

9:57 Slumdog Millionaire wins again. This time for Best Song. Second speeches always show what a person is made of. Rahman says that he has always had a choice between hate and love and he has chosen love. He says ‘thank you’ and walks off stage briskly. “Who does this guy think he is?” Brian wonders.

10:05 Am I the only one hoping the James Franco will return to present the award for Best Foreign Film?

10:05 Japan’s Depatures wins. The winner who speaks, director Yojiro Takita says, “Thank you to everyone who helped me with the film. I am very happy. I am here because of films. This is a new departure for me.**** We will be back, I hope.” One can only wonder what Miley Cyrus is doing right now and hoping that no one near her has a digital camera.

**** “Winning awards for making good films is a departure for me. Normally, I make really bad films that don’t earn money.” Does anyone else have this translation running through his head right now? Because that’s what it sounded to me like this guy just said.

10:16 Hugh Jackman is back. It feels like forever since we’ve seen him. Jackman is bidding fond farewell to the Academy’s president Sid Ganis. Because of Jackman’s Australian accent, Ganis’ last name is pronounced Gay-ness.

10:17 Reese Witherspoon comes out to present the Best Director award. While reading from the teleprompter, Witherspoon actually reads the stage direction. Instead of taking the cue that the clip was to begin, she says, “Clip” out loud. “She’s Ron Burgundy!” Brian says when I point this out.

10:19 The Curious Case of Benjamin Button director David Fincher already looks pissed off about losing when they cut to him during the announcement of the nominees. That’s how sure a thing Danny Boyle is tonight.

10:20 Boyle does, in fact, win. This surprises nobody. “This guy is getting a payday now,” Brian says. “He’s going to direct Spider-Man 4.”

10:25 Halle Berry is short. I mean, she’s a foot shorter than Nicole Kidman and they’re standing next to one another (and the other three former winners) as they present the Best Actress award.

10:26 As Shirley MacLaine is talking to Anne Hathaway she says something to the effect of, “You’ve exposed your… dark and bright sides.” Brian laughs and says, “Thought she was going somewhere else with that one.”

10:27 When a presenter states that Kate Winslet has done it all, Brian says, “She’s been fat and she’s been thin.”

10:28 How is it that no one in the room has even heard of Melissa Leo?

10:28 (again) Sophia Loren is possibly, probably drunk. “I think she took your advice,” Pete says to Brian. Seth Rogen is in the audience looking around confusedly.

10:31 Kate Winslet wins the Best Actress award. Brian says it’s like Sampras beating Agassi. Winslet states that the Oscar is not a shampoo bottle and gets a round of applause. She wants to thank her parents who are in the audience, so she asks her dad to whistle so she can figure out where they are. He does half a second later and she waves to him. This is pretty cool. Winslet is truly and genuinely excited. This is the female version of Cuba Gooding Jr.’s speech. “If we do a keeper fantasy league for actresses, I’m taking Kate Winslet,” Brian says.

10:37 Robert Deniro is presenting Sean Penn’s nomination. He asks rheterorically, “How did Sean Penn get all those roles playing straight men?” Deniro’s intro is by far the best of the evening. It’s not just that he’s friends with Penn, it’s that he’s acknowledged that he has to bring up some of Penn’s rough edges—run ins with paparazzi, substance issues—and has done so in a very genial, soft fashion. Deniro himself seems comfortable, eloquent and in high spirits. This is nothing like the Deniro that anyone has heard about.

10:38 Looking at Adrien Brody on stage there’s only one thought in the room: shave! Brian wonders where Tom Wilkinson is.

10:39 Anthony Hopkins just called Brad Pitt a “character actor” in his introduction. This is like calling Larry Fitzgerald a “possession receiver”. It’s just not done.

10:41 In the wide shot of the audience, it becomes apparent that Mickey Rourke is the only person in the audience who is wearing white. “Welcome back,” Ben Kingsley says to Rourke during his introduction. “Where’s Rourke been?” Brian questions. “Making really bad movies,” I tell him. Brian laughs and says, “He’s been doing that forever, he’s not back. He’s here.” Pete grunts his approval at this semantic issue.

10:41 (again) I have never wanted a man to win Best Actor as much as I want Rourke to. As I mentioned before, it would completely devalue the Academy Award and there’s a great chance that Rourke would dedicate the entire ceremony to a dog. What’s not to like?

10:42 Sean Penn wins Best Actor.

10:43 “You commie, homo-loving, sons-of-guns,” Penn starts. It’s a hell of a beginning. This telecast’s sign that you’re getting old? Spicoli needs reading glasses. Penn is thanking people by first name only: Mara, Brian, Barry and Bob. My brother’s roommate, Brian, argues that Penn could be thanking him and just not know it.

10:44 “I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me often.” At first Penn’s statement seems spot on. Then egotistical.

10:51 Man, working on The Reader must have been tough. Anthony Minghella and Sydney Pollack, both of whom died this passed year, are credited as producers on it.

10:52 Slumdog Millinaire wins Best Picture. If anyone other than Danny Boyle is known by more than 100 people two years from now, it will be a complete shock to me. If you doubt the validity of this statement, think back to the last Indian themed, indie-made-good film to break out, Bend it Like Beckham.

10:58 And it’s over. The consensus in the room is that the Oscars were average this year. “Meh,” is how Pete phrases it. Fortunately for the Oscars, last year they were “Yecch!” So this is a substantial improvement. The introductions of the nominees by former winners is a nice and interesting twist. The use of an actor as host—and I use that word very, very loosely—was a seeming failure, if only because Jackman didn’t seem to do much, you know, hosting. Billy Crystal still stands out as being the best of recent times. So long as Ellen DeGeneres isn’t around, everyone is probably better off.

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