About a month ago, Genius Entertainment sent me a lovely DVD three-pack, the Maneater Collection, featuring three so-bad-they’re-good movies involving down-on-their-luck actors battling enormous animals with a predilection for human flesh. I tore through the films in hasty fashion, enjoyably laughing my way through the comically low budget proceedings. I kept a running journal of my thoughts while watching Maneater—a movie that featured Gary Busey match wits with a tiger that could open doors—and enjoyed myself immensely. I considered writing another column of this type while watching Blood Monkey, but couldn’t justify writing two long pieces about two admittedly crappy movies that were in the very same box set to boot.
I kicked a stone in front of me, Leave it to Beaver style, sighed and said, “Aw shucks.” It just wasn’t meant to be. Then, much to my surprise, four weeks after the initial box set was sent out, Genius sent me another, even lovelier DVD three-pack; the Maneater Collection… volume 2!
My assistant rolled her eyes at me again while throwing the DVDs at me. “Enjoy,” she snarled, still upset that she worked for a man who got positively giddy at the thought of seeing James Van Der Beek going one-on-one against a huge octopus.
I tore open the DVDs and was about to pop The Eye of the Beast into my DVD player (the aforementioned James and the Giant Octopus movie) and realized that I was setting myself up for failure. I always have a problem with movies involving creatures that live in the water killing people because, as I repeatedly yell at the idiots on screen, “You don’t have to go in the water!” Spying the second title, Croc, starring Michael Madsen, my choice was made. And besides, I rationalized, settling into my chair, I could compare notes on Croc with Lake Placid, Crocodile, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp, Primeval and Blood Surf.
As it turned out, my hopes of a comparison between the projects featuring actors vs. crocodiles was severely off base because, as I quickly found out, the production level of Croc is slightly below that of junior high social studies project. Somehow, this facet of the production made the whole experience that much more enjoyable.
The plot of Croc is pretty much Lake Placid… except, set in Thailand, the crocodile is supposed to be there. And we begin:
0:21 The movie opens with two men in a small boat. The first man is leaning as far over the edge of the boat as he can, for no apparent reason. The second man is standing as erect as possible. This cannot possibly end well.
1:05 The director of photography is Choochat Nantitanyatada. Shot on location in Thailand, I’m guessing the producers didn’t fly him in from Hollywood.
1:56 I’m already confused. In an effort to save money, the producers have opted to show stock footage of multiple crocodiles entering the water. The way the movie is scripted, I know that it is supposed to be only one crocodile, but it’s hard to get this from the images themselves, particularly since several different species of crocodiles are shown in the different bits of stock footage.
3:30 Phew. The first attack scene is over and was so stilted and disjointed, I actually say out loud, “Wow, this makes Maneater look good.”
6:00 A hot, Thai woman appears on screen at an animal farm owned by Jack McQuade (Peter Tuinstra). There is no way she doesn’t work for PETA or an animal rights group. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
8:32 The hot, Thai woman, Evelyn Namawong (Sherry Phungpraset), works for an government agency called the “Department of Animal Welfare”. She shows McQuade that there are some bugs in the grain he’s using as feed. Given the prevalent nature of underage sex tours in Bangkok, grain with a few bugs in it at a zoo just doesn’t seem like it should be that high up the Thai priority list.
13:58 The actors are all really struggling to speak English. They may be hitting the syllables correctly, but there is no flow or fluidity to the speech patterns. Tuinstra is by far the best of the bunch… but Michael Madsen has yet to make an appearance. If I encountered someone in my everyday life who spoke English the way the actors in Croc do, I would quickly come to one of two conclusions: 1) They were of foreign descent and learned English without ever hearing it actually being spoken or 2) They had been possessed by one of a race of an alien body snatchers intent on world domination. Either way, I’d run.
14:02 The subplot of Croc is actually less believable an idea that a huge crocodile is running around a Thai resort town chowing down on everyone in sight.
The subplot is as follows: Two local Thai brothers are building a huge residential development that will earn them millions upon millions of dollars. The brothers Konsong are like younger, better coiffed, Thai Donald Trumps. They live in the lap of luxury with many beautiful women surrounding them. However…
…in order to complete their huge development, they need to obtain the small parcel of land that McQuade’s animal park occupies. Rather than offer McQuade, say, $200,000 to move the park to a different location, the Konsongs try scaring him off, blackmailing him, paying government officials to make his life hell, releasing his animals and, later, taking out a hit on his sister.
14:20 Fighting back against the Konsongs, McQuade and his cousin, Theo, have taken digital photos of the Konsong’s development blueprints. When one of the Konsongs catches them, he takes the memory card out of their camera, drops the card to the ground and twists his foot on it, like he was stubbing out a cigarette. I’m waiting for one of the McQuades to reach down, pick up the card and put it back in his camera. This doesn’t happen.
14:55 The joke’s on the Konsongs though. Theo somehow managed to switch memory cards. When Tuinstra learns of this, he’s so happy he exclaims, “I’m going to get you a ginseng tea!” I’m starting to wonder whether this script was originally written in Thai and translated into English.
16:07 The Konsongs have had the Federal Tax Bureau (FTB) dispatch a tax collector to harass McQuade. The taxman finds McQuade at a local bar. McQuade owes $2,100 in taxes. The FTB is prepared to arrest McQuade if he doesn’t pay this bill while at the bar.
17:45 The tax man and his two armed police escorts agree to let McQuade take a break from their discussion in order to go hit on a girl at the bar.
18:02 McQuade escapes.
19:20 Theo has just gotten a girl’s phone number and informs her that he will call her at “day break”.
22:00 I’m starting to believe that most of the dialogue was looped in the world’s worst ADR studio. The aforementioned hot, Thai representative of the Department of Animal Welfare, Evelyn, is in a small room talking to a man. His voice echoes. Hers does not.
22:59 This writing is so bad that I don’t even know how to follow the script. Evelyn shows up at an office to give a report to the man she’s meeting with. She goes over all of her notes on the McQuade animal park as the man gives her encouragement to go back and do more. There is no way not to assume that this is her boss. Then, at the very end of the scene, as Evelyn stands up, the man asks her what her name is. There is no scenario that I can fathom that makes this action acceptable.
24:31 How much power do the Konsongs have? The police salute them in public.
25:00 Still no Madsen.
25:57 Searching through the ranks of their criminal Rolodexes, the Konsongs have found two henchmen stupid enough to burgle McQuade’s animal park. The henchmen have been instructed to release the McQuade’s crocodiles. Yeah…
27:17 Theo indeed calls his new girlfriend at daybreak.
30:00 When is Madsen going to—
30:03 MADSEN!!
30:32 The cops are questioning the friends of one of the crocodile victims. The officer asks, “Could she swim?” Considering that the victim was in less than two feet of water when she was attacked, the question should be, “Could she stand?”
30:34 The police have sent a diver into the water to see what he can make of the scene. The water is so shallow that it would literally be impossible for him to see anything. You don’t go diving in a foot and a half of water. Worse yet, there are police standing next to him so you can see that the water is only up to mid-calf.
38:40 Theo shows his naivete. When he shows up late to the funeral of his girlfriend’s good friend, he sees his girlfriend crying and asks her what’s wrong. Ah, youth.
40:50 A Thai police officer warns a family not to go swimming in the harbor.
40:55 The mother calls her kids in.
41:03 The boy says he wants to swim.
41:07 The boy’s father says, “Ah, let the croc eat him.”
41:08 The croc eats him.
41:20 The dad jumps into the water to save his kid… with his beer can in hand. When he gets under water he looks around to see where his kid or the crocodile might be… still holding the beer.
45:45 It’s hard to think that a script this bad could get considerably dumber, but Croc is up to the challenge. While discussing the killer crocodile, McQuade announces that he’s never heard of a croc coming this far north. He apparently didn’t hear about the crocodile in Black Lake that brought down a helicopter (Lake Placid), but I digress.
Given that Thailand is south of the Tropic of Cancer in a region that people call “the tropics”, it’s hard to believe that anyone would put faith in this. Nobody has ever said that Thailand is too far north for anything. To put Thailand’s position in the proper perspective, consider this: its capital, Bangkok, is roughly 400 miles closer to the equator than Mexico City.
45:48 McQuade then announces that crocodiles are amphibians. Where do I begin?
46:03 New rule: if one of my friends is killed by a crocodile that hasn’t yet been caught, I don’t dangle my feet in the water.
47:15 Evelyn states that boa constrictors “pee and poop like St. Bernards.”
51:00 Believe it or not, Madsen has yet to utter a single word in the movie. Not one.
51:05 Evelyn and McQuade head out to hunt for the crocodile… wearing sandals and flip flops. 51:46 Madsen finally speaks. The great croc hunter breaks his silence to say… that he’s stuck in the mud and asks McQuade for help.
58:30 The Konsongs have a pow wow and decide that in order not to “lose everything” they’re going to have to kill McQuade’s sister. Interestingly, given the stupidity of the Konsongs, this makes perfect sense.
1:00:24 Madsen, the grizzly, hardcore, badass crocodile hunter is drinking a screwdriver.
1:03:30 A Thai woman who doesn’t speak English (or try to), is attempting to explain to McQuade that her daughter was killed by a crocodile. After a few futile gestures, the woman straightens her arms and begins clapping them together in a vertical motion, just like a drunken University of Florida co-ed. I burst out laughing.
1:07:40 The Konsongs don’t pay for anything, ever. This includes reliable and competent hitmen. Not only does the hitman not kill McQuade’s sister, but he crashes his car, runs away and leaves his cell phone behind.
1:07:45 Oh, and the last number the hitman called was the Konsongs’. McQuade hits redial and is pissed. Now it’s personal.
1:10:02 The reason that no one has been able to find the crocodile is that he has taken up residence in the Konsongs’ swimming pool. I’d argue that you couldn’t make this stuff up, but as evidenced here, you really can. I’m not going to even contemplate getting into what chlorine would do to the skin of the reptile—er, I mean, amphibian.
1:10:08 Konsong #1 dives into the pool with goggles on and starts doing laps. His eyesight is a little poorer than his business skills though and he does not see the 20-foot long crocodile resting on the bottom of his pool. Don’t laugh; this is the second leading cause of death in the state of Florida.
1:12:01 Konsong #2 arrives home to see his brother’s remains floating in the pool. He does the only thing that one would do in this situation: he starts crying and then begins fishing his brother’s severed head out of the pool with a pool skimmer.
1:12:58 Konsong #2’s eyesight is even worse than his brother’s was. The crocodile leaps out of the pool, where it’s continued to rest, and kills Konsong #2. For the first time, I begin to wonder whether there might be a twist ending where it turns out that the crocodile is actually working for McQuade.
1:14:10 I’m also starting to wonder whether Madsen told Croc’s producers that he’d speak 200 words and that’s it. He explains his reasons for hunting the croc by saying, “It’s not about money, it’s about revenge. Pure and simple.” This is intriguing given that Madsen’s character hasn’t known one of the croc’s victims and it has never done anything to him.
1:16:36 It’s actually amazing to consider that no matter where the characters in Croc go, they are always within about 50 feet of the killer crocodile. It doesn’t matter whether they’re in their backyards, at a bar, swimming in the middle of the ocean, hanging out at a beach front restaurant or, once, in their living room, the croc is always nearby.
1:17:50 Madsen picks up a pair of binoculars to see if he can spot someone underwater.
1:21:40 – 1:23:00 The Konsongs might not have been able to get to McQuade’s sister, Allison, but the crocodile doesn’t have the same problems. He knocks her off her boat, drags her away and brings her into his secluded cave. McQuade follows the crocodile and, upon entering the cave, begins calling out his sister’s name to see if she’s in the cave. And he keeps on calling her name. Time after time. Again and again. Twelve total times in a minute and twenty seconds.
1:24:14 Now this is awkward. As McQuade is standing in waist deep water yelling his sister’s name, the crocodile swims up behind him. He doesn’t see it. Ironically, it’s Allison who warns him about this development.
1:24:32 Ignoring every bit of common sense and probably a good chunk of biology as well, McQuade is currently trying to out swim the croc…
1:24:38 …and doing a pretty good job of it.
1:26:30 This is sort of anti-climactic. While the crocodile is biting (and not tearing off) McQuade’s foot, another guy comes up and kills the croc with a bang stick.
1:26:41 Even though the croc is dead, McQuade still has a few immediate problems. His foot is caught in the crocodile’s mouth and the croc is starting to sink in the deep water. Madsen yells that the only way to save McQuade is to cut his leg off.
1:26:50 Allison swims up to her brother and pantomimes that she’s going to start cutting his leg off with a diving knife. This is amusing, but nowhere near as good as the Thai woman doing the Gator chomp. McQuade smiles at Allison and gives her an okay sign. Just as blade is about to pierce skin, the ‘other guy’ shows up again with another bang stick. He shoves it into the croc’s mouth, blasts it open and releases McQuade’s foot in the process. Why this wasn’t option #1 from the get go, I’m not sure.
And thus ends Croc. If you’re keeping score at home, Madsen’s character, the famed crocodile hunter who is named Croc Hawkins, did absolutely nothing to help find or catch the killer crocodile. This is one development that I did not see coming.
Words cannot describe quite how awful this script was and how awful it was on so many different levels—a character who actually works with crocodiles states that they are amphibians. I think Croc is the first movie that I’ve ever encountered that started out being so-bad-it’s-good that managed to loop around and finish as so-bad-it’s-actually-bad. Naturally, I enjoyed myself thoroughly. This spells great things for Grizzly Rage.
